Husband for Hire
[MUSIC – VOLOVAN, “YA NO SE NI DONDE ESTOY”] Is there a pimp or something, or do we just pick? They’re day laborers, Nina, not hustlers. Right. Right. You, [spanish] Saying yes get me the gig? He could work.
Anything’s possible, or not. Work how? Marriage. I want to hire you to be my husband. [laughs] Yeah. I’ll give you $100,000 a year. You messing with me, right? Can I ask why? You cannot, Jesus. How long? Till death do us part.
It’s a part time job. You just need to be on call to keep up appearances. You can have your own life. I don’t have all day, Sniffy. There is a wedding going on in 48 hours, so do you want to get married or not? I do.
[laughs] I do! Woo hoo hoo! I’m rich! Yeah. Sorry, boys. You know how it is. I’ll catch you later. All right. Don’t worry. It’s only forever. [classical music] [phones ringing] MAN: Hey. This is Sergeant Evans here.
We’ve got a report of a sighting of the people missing. There’s word she might have gone west on Ceciia Road. We’ve got confirmation the vehicle was spotted there, but we don’t have a visual. Are there skidmarks? The first one who finds her gets a bush.
Hm. All right, what now? [police sirens] LOLA: We haven’t done anything wrong. Well, these days, they don’t just pinch the workers on the corner. They pinch anyone who hires them. What? Yeah. So then we gotta get out of here! Hurry! Hurry! Yee-haw! Oh my god.
What are you doing? I don’t have time to get arrested, Nina. This is not the way I pictured my wedding day starting out. [banjo music] Well, I sure could get used to this. You’re going to get used to jail if you don’t point me in the right direction.
Hang a Louie right over here. That means left. Then hang right, we’ll hide out in the old train yard. Woohoo! This is fun! OK. I’m driving. No. We wait. She’s right. We’re not here. We hide out at my place until the heat’s off.
Besides, I gotta tell my girlfriend I’m getting married. A room full of the best private dicks, and yet, it still takes a woman’s touch. You found her? West Texas State Police just rang. One of our company limos was pulled over by the state border.
Description fits your little girl, but the brat fled the scene. What is she doing in Texas? The GPS system. Hey, we can– Can the GPS be used to track her? Are you not talking to your first born, the one who chose Harvard as a safety school? The GPS company is just waiting for the satellite to get in proper orbit.
Precise location within the hour. You, take the jet to West Texas and wait for my call. Go! [music playing] Rex, when can I count on them weenies? Rex. The last time you fell asleep at the grill, you charred 12 acres of national forest.
Trees grow back. Mother Nature’s a resilient little bitch. We won. It’s Extreme Makeover, Home Edition! I told you I wrote a good letter! WOMAN: Check it out, what’s going on? [cheering] Praise the Lord! And boy, what scratch-offs! You’re white? I prefer Caucasian Americans.
But look at your skin tone. Yeah, mowing lawns all day will crisp you up. Heck, lady, you’re one hung strung person, ain’t ya? Don’t you get it? I’m adopted. But your name is Jesus. No, no. You see, the hiring folks, they won’t pick you if you think you’re a citizen because you expect too much pay.
That’s why I wear the shirt. I get picked all the time. My real name’s Bo. Bo? Uh, Bo, the deal is off. Whoa, whoa, why? You are way too much of a challenge. I need a Latino, not a Bo. I can be Latino.
I can. Check it out. [spanish] You speak Spanish? This is Texas. You gotta speak Spanish, or you won’t know what the Mexicans are saying behind your back. I got it. All right? I’m Normando. He was born in La Ciudad, de Mexico.
That’s Mexico City, right? Then they brought me up here as a young ‘un. I can do this. I know I can do it. I can– I can be the best Mexican I never thought I was. I swear it. No, no. Lady, look at me.
I am not going back to that corner. It’s really tough to make 100 grand with a weed whacker. You know what I’m saying? You are so lucky that I did not have time to find another husband, Normando. Oh. Woo hoo hoo! Hey, y’all! I finally got a real job! [cheering] I don’t know about this.
You’re putting a lot at risk. All I need to do is turn Jesus blonde boy into Prince Normando and tell my father I’m in love. How hard is that? But the wedding is in two days. Don’t you think this is going to be– It’s going to be a lot of work.
We need to get my new fianc completely rebuilt. It’s more than just the physical. It’s the mental, too. We can’t pull this off. Of course I can pull this off. Call Mancha. At Sandia? Let him know that I am bringing the most challenging makeover project ever known.
Then call the tribal coordinator and have him send the check here. Go. She’s got a country van. I’ve always wanted one of those. All right. I got one more pit stop before we go. No more pit stops. My girlfriend’s pulling a double.
I’ve got to give her the down low before we go wherever we’re going. We’re going to the airport. How’s that for coincidence-iosity? She works at the airport. I can’t wait for you two to meet. But again, maybe not.
They can take us at Sandia. Yes! But the jet, it’s here in Texas. What? Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god, they found me! How could they find me? I’m sure your father spared no expense! Ooh, he’s using his government contact.
He’s going to get me disbarred. Aha! Get off the car! Damn! I’m sure they felt that on the other end. I’m afraid they lost the signal. [groans] We need to get lawn boy and get to the airport. No, no, no.
You could be walking into a trap. No, I just got an idea. Call JetRent. Tell them I want one of their birds fueled and ready to go. I’m so proud of you, finally getting out of the house. With all that money, I expect to be repaid for raising you.
What about Nikki? Ma, I’m doing this for Nikki. With the steady work, we get our own place. What am I? Nude. Dude, I’m your best man. I really need a best man? Every groom needs a best man. Yeah? Best man watches your back.
He’s your sounding board. Mm! All right. And this one only takes 10%. All right. Yeah! All right! Come on, do it, do it. Yeah! All right. Woo! [honking horn] All right, all right, all right. Who the hell is this mess? I am the best man.
Just feel free to pass me around. We don’t need a best man. We certainly don’t. You do need a driver, especially if the fuzz spots us. Seventh grade county boxcar champ. All right, fine, fine. Drive us to the airport, but then that’s the end of the line.
I like you. Hey, hey. I gotta get to Nikki, give her the 411. You ain’t told Nikki yet? Nah. We should be wearing helmets. [rock music] (SINGING) I see you looking at me. Do you think I’m some kind of freak? I see you looking at me.
Do you think I’m some kind of freak? Hey. Move your ass unless you want your face shammied! She seems sweet. Yeah, I asked her to cut the first day of 10th grade. Been together ever since. This is not the limo wash, is it? Fun.
Can I try? Let’s just, uh, wait it out a few minutes. She’ll tire. We don’t have a few minutes. Whoa, you win scratchoffs? He has one minute. Relax. Let’s just let the kids work things out. Hi. Hi. Hey, look, Nik, we need to talk.
OK. All right, so, uh, you know what? I ain’t going to sugar coat it. I’m just going to sort of come out and tell you. OK. There’s this thing that happened. You know? And, um– Time’s up! We’re leaving.
Yeah, that’s the thing. You ain’t taking him without a fight, bitch! BO: Hey, Nik, wait. Oh, you can have some more time. Eek. BO: Hey! Come on! Come on! Get out! Where you hiding? Come on! Get out here! She ain’t no bitch! Then what the hell is she? She’s our meal ticket.
I am so, so sorry. I don’t know how we lost the signal. Should I just try to– DAD (ON PHONE): You’re a dead man! Like, weren’t you, like, that guy in Menudo? [chimes] This is our big chance. Chance at what? To get out of here! You don’t have to walk on the plane wash no more.
I can get back to pursuing my music career. You see, it’s just to keep up appearances for her family, that’s all. I get to have my own life. 100 grand, huh? A year. That’s all you’re getting? [knocking] Hi, I’m Nikki.
We met earlier when I jumped on your limo. Bo told me about your little offer. You’re going to have to make it 175– Nik. –plus 10. Oh, then I guess I’m going to have to find someone else. I’m free. No, no.
Nik, Nik, Nik, check it out. Hey, hey. Now don’t spend it all on the slots, all right? I need to get back to work. And don’t worry. Bo’s job is a platonic one. [screaming] Does the Mama Dia crew know to take off without anyone on board? Just got the orders.
Good. Meet at the rendezvous point. Are you really going to call your father? Gotta start building the illusion. You’re with Mama Dia Foods? My mother is Mama Dia. Holy guacamole. I grew up eating your taco in a can.
Uh, that– that sounded bad, didn’t it? I apologize. No, no. I know what you meant. Didn’t Mama Dia pass away? Two years ago. I’m sorry about that. Yeah. Me, too. [music playing] Hot out here, ain’t it? The act of deception requires total concentration.
Follow my mark. Hand signals are important. This means tickle me. Uh, tickle you? My father’s Achilles heel’s his daughter’s honor, and that’s when we attack. All right. [buzz] WOMAN (ON INTERCOM): It’s her.
Lola? Baby? My angel, are you OK? How could you run off at a time like this? [lola giggling on phone] We’ve all been so worried. Now where the hell are you? Oh, I’m so sorry, daddy. It’s just, oh, I’m in love.
What? I don’t get it. So quickly right after you– I know, I know, daddy. It’s just that, well, I needed to get away. And by total complete random chance, I ran into Normando, my first love from Princeton.
You remember Normando, don’t you, daddy? Sure. I guess. After college, we broke up because Normando had to go to the University of Barcelona for graduate work. Well, we both had faith that we would meet again, and daddy, did we.
Lola, this better not be some ploy for you to fulfill your trust obligations. [giggling] Daddy, this isn’t a ploy. This is love. Daddy, we’re going to go to a spa to freshen up. We’ll see you tomorrow in Santa Fe, OK ? Put the young man on the phone.
He’s– he’s busy, daddy. I know he’s busy. I can hear his hands! Put him on! Uh, hey, what up, sir? Hola. You better be in separate rooms when you’re with my daughter, or I’ll neuter you myself! Got it.
She’s at the airport, the West Texas airport. I think he likes me. Yeah. One sec, girls, one sec. Hello? She’s at the airport! One more. No, no, no, no, no! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You stay. No. Me and Bo have been brothers for a while. Yeah. And me being the older one, he gets his moves from me. Why? ‘Cause I got moves worth copying. – Yeah. – No. Wait, wait, wait. Showing up with a brother makes this thing all more– Believable.
Believable. A white brother, I may add. We are all brother, sister. Wait. Let’s just reverse the story. Instead of Bread’s family adopting me, my family adopted Bread. He doesn’t do or say a thing. Welcome to family, Geraldo! Mi familia! Woo hoo hoo! Take your hand off me.
Yeah, right, OK. All right. I don’t get it. You’ve been talking about breaking up with Bo for, like, a year now. – Oh, yeah? Yeah? I never really meant it. Where are you going? To keep an eye on him. Dude, I don’t know.
Are you coming or not? [rock music] LAWYER: We all know that before Mama Dia passed, she adjusted the terms of Lola’s trust. Upon turning 25, 48 hours from now, Lola will be beneficiary if and only if she’s married, as long as this affidavit is ratified by you, Mr.
Dia. Remember, 48 hours from now, she needs your signature and a husband. And if she doesn’t marry by said date and time, or if father decides not to ratify this new dark Normando? She forfeits the money.
It pains me to think that Lola might not get her trust fund. Oh, please. She’s doing this to herself. You’re really enjoying your sister’s potential demise, aren’t you? You got your money when you turned 25.
I didn’t say anything. My god. [music playing] Whoa. Ah, I could sure nestle in this bosom. This is work, remember? Ah, yeah. [clears throat] You want a sip? Man, I’d like to picnic there. OK, let’s gather round for running orders.
Bang out the marriage contract and order me all these things. No, no, no, wake up. Lots to do. You, let’s clean yourself up, and get a suit from the shop. You do know what a suit is, don’t you? Yeah, sure, it’s like a onesie.
Let’s get you in front of Mancha. What the hell’s Mancha? Darling. Mancha. Darling, you have returned to my presence. Somebody stepped in something? Mancha, meet Normando. He’s our project for today. [laughs] This is– Stop laughing, it’s the truth.
Well, it’s a little late to call in a decent plastic surgeon. But we will improvise. Mancha loves a good challenge. Oh, man. Come on, breathe. Ohm. Ohm. Ohm. I tried every search, even legal ones. Am I supposed to think of everything? If Lola isn’t using her own credit cards, then she’s using someone else’s.
And what dog is always on her leash? Nina. Go. Every minute you don’t produce results, you lose a vacation day. Um, you don’t give vacation days. Is that some sort of a comeback? [music playing] [clears throat] Excuse me, ladies.
Hi. Now you don’t know me. Can I let you in on a little secret? You should. Darling, Manchita is here to do schematics. Talk to his best self and don’t hold back. Manchita, all specifications should play into what my father adores.
When he meets Normando, he should instantly fall in love with his future son-in-law. [rock music] What are we doing here? We’re going to lose our jobs back home. How dumb are you? Don’t you realize Bo’s making six figures now? What does that have to do with me? Don’t you get it? I can hire you.
To do what? I don’t know. Assistant, maid, personal astrologer. I’ll think of something. You two, tell the dispatcher I got two waitresses bloated and hung over. You’re up. [rock music] [sensual music] Bo.
Hey. Meet Normando. [laughs] That ain’t Normando. Excuse me? I know what I’m doing. Clearly, you don’t, because that ain’t the guy. Normando is my creation. Don’t you mean Nerd-mondo? Look, I need to feel comfortable in his skin, and I ain’t comfortable in pink.
This is the look my daddy likes. No glasses. It’ll make you look smarter. No slicked back hair. Normando’s hair stands tall. You’re right. You’re right. So guess what? What? You’re fired. Hey. Hey, sexy.
Hm? How would you like to make some money? All right, all right, you win. Girl, if the price is right, I can be whoever you want. Pull up. We need to work this out, clause by clause! Why am I yelling? Coffee.
All right, I think we’re in order here. I will be back. All right, everybody. Just stop. Stop. HAIRSTYLIST: Oh! Stop what you’re doing. There’s been a slight change of plans. [music playing] Got the physical part down.
Mental is next. Did you get the supplies I asked for? Perfect. Revisions will be done in two hours. Then, just get him to sign. Remember, without his signature, he can walk at any minute, and we can’t have that risk.
Hopefully, he knows how to spell his name. [laughs] You better slow down on those. How do you expect me to get all this work done with no help, no sleep, so much pressure, that I mean, you know, it’s just piling up? Mm-hmm.
See what I mean? (MOCKINGLY) “See what I mean?” [music playing] You deliberately altered the look behind my back. I know, I know. But can’t you just, like, relax? Relax? You’re putting the operation in jeopardy, and you want me to relax? I feel like a million bucks.
Like I can do anything. Doesn’t that count for something? Huh? Your table is ready, Mr. Normando. All right. Y’all got chicken nuggets here? HOSTESS: Mm-hmm. All right. Well, now maybe we can get to know each other.
Now maybe you can get to know Normando. I had no idea Normando was such a moron. She’s giving him gifts. It’s not gifts, it’s books. Nobody likes books. I think she really likes him. This is his job. But she’s up to something.
Back to work! Secret passion of my father’s. Throwing around a little useless knowledge of Civil War handguns will go a very long way. Gotcha. Now which civil war was that? Joking again. Ha ha ha. I ordered this particular vintage because my father love– That’s good.
What do you say we put the homework aside and we do what’s going to ensure this magic trick go presto, all right? Let’s get to know. I don’t need to know Bo. I need to know Normando. Well, why don’t you start by telling me why you’re doing all this? Start by understanding you don’t need to know the fine print.
Oh. Traditional family can’t accept the fact that you’re (WHISPERS) lesbian. Clearly, you need a copy of the moron’s guide to perception. Money then? 25 million. Dollars? And I’m getting paid what? A deal’s a deal.
Or didn’t they teach you that in loan school? Loan school. Wow, clever. All right, so you need to get hitched to get the dough? All thanks to my beloved mother, who pushed and pushed and pushed me to get married my whole life.
The more she pushed, the less I wanted it. And finally, to spite her, I told her I was never going to get married. And she knew she was dying. She changed my trust so I would have to get married in order to get my money.
And she left my father with a groom approval clause, hence why you’re here, hence why I’m getting my money and getting out. Out where? I can’t live a life running the family business with my sister. Once this trust fiasco blows over, I’m gone.
You see, the money leads to my freedom, which has far more value. Gotcha. You see, now that I know what’s at stake, you should know you can count on me because I’m a winner. WAITER: From the gentleman not wearing a shirt.
Partner! All right, all right, all right. Go easy on me. [rave music] May experience hallucinations? I’ll just quit. Well, ain’t the most important factor that we look like we’re head over heels? I mean, we’re going to be all like lovey-dovey and kissy kissy, right? Mm, my family doesn’t do lovey-dovey or kissy kissy, or hugs or high-fives even.
[shattering] I’m after the prize just like you, and we ain’t going to succeed unless folks believe I’m in love with you, and vice versa. [coughs] Ms. Lola, there’s an urgent message for you in your room.
I better go check on this. All right. Need to cool off? Hey. Hey! What the hell are you doing here? You said it wasn’t real. It ain’t real. You’re flirting! I ain’t flirting! Then how come you two look like you’re about to screw right on the table? ‘Cause I’m doing my job! [music playing] Nik, I’m doing this for us.
And by you being here, you may cost us the whole store and then we get nada. Now you go and let me do what I gotta do. Hey! I’m not looking for lawn work anymore. Oh, hey. You know, it said in one of them books that, uh, proper etiquette was to excuse yourself when you spill on your privates.
You know what I just figured out? What? We need to work on your accents. What accent? You can’t speak trailer park when you’re with my family. You need to be a Latino. Oh, yeah. Look, I’ve seen “Zorro,” like, 14,000 times.
I’ll be Banderas. Check it out. (SPANISH ACCENT) Be careful of my dangerous sword. Keep working on it. I talked to Bo. Does this mean we can go now? Hell no. Things have taken a turn for the worse. How? When Bo talked to me, he wasn’t searching for words.
Wasn’t dancing around the issue or staring at the ground when he spoke. He was nothing like the Bo I know. He still smell like feet? Yeah. More like baby feet doused in musk. That doesn’t sound so bad.
It’s awful! Bo is hot now. He’s got confidence. And you know what he’s going to do with all that confidence? Leave me. And there is no way in hell I’m going to let that happen. Time to sign your life away.
What if there’s stuff in here I don’t agree with? I’m Not paying you to agree. I’m paying you to be my fake husband. Ah. All right. Said husband is to defer to wife’s decision in all matters. Now what if said husband is the who’s right? Impossible.
I’m never wrong. In all situations, events, and gatherings, said husband must allow said wife to direct all conversations, interactions, exchanges. When we’re with my family, you have to follow my lead.
Uh-huh. Well, I can’t work like this. I’m a professional husband, not a professional wife. [laughs] I’m playing! Damn! I thought you were going to burst. Look, when you need a paycheck, who cares about the fine print? Ha ha ha.
Would do well to put an open book clause in, though. All successful marriages have one. Open book? Yeah, it means I don’t hide anything from you, and you don’t hide anything from me. Not hiding anything doesn’t sound like very much fun, does it? But OK.
To an open book marriage. Cheers. Cheers. [knocking] Who is it? Damn it! How did you find me? Oh, come on, baby. Who is this, my dear? More importantly, who’s this? Marco, this is Normando, my new fianc .
Normando, this is Marco, my ex-fianc . Ex-fianc . Hey, weren’t you in “Color Me Bad?” Gone one day, fall in love the next. Pfft! I’ve known Normando for years. He was my college love. Lola, we will speak alone.
It’s over. I will not leave until we speak alone. You cheated. It was nothing. It was everything! Hey. Baby. Let’s have a drink at the bar before we have sex all night, hm? Lola, please. I’m begging you to listen.
You have right to beg for anything. Honey, she meant nothing to me. No? If she meant nothing, then how come you won’t tell me who she is? She’s just some bimbo groupie. Some bimbo groupie. Oh, you risk our whole relationship over some bimbo groupie.
That’s not nothing. That’s pathetic. Marco balled someone else three days before the wedding. You know how I found out? The Naughty Nest Hotel called to see they couldn’t get the chocolate body paint stains off the rug.
Thank god, right? Because then we wouldn’t have fallen back in love. Oh, you’re still here? Lola, we have to resolve this. The wedding is in two days. I dumped you, remember? We’re getting married in two days.
Two martinis, make them dirty! [giggles] Lola, please, just listen to me, OK? Let’s try to work it out. After all this time together, don’t we deserve that? No. Come on, you can’t just forget about us.
What makes you so sure? Typical Latin pride getting in the way. What, are you afraid I’ll turn you around? Lola, I have to speak with you alone. All right, chief. Back off. This is my girl now. Chief? Girl? You grew up in a trailer park, chico? In Panama, you know what we wipe the floor with? Faces like yours.
Panama? [laughs] [clears throat] You are such losers, you couldn’t build a dam without our help. What did you say about Panama? Oh, we’re going to the next level. No! No! Let’s talk. I’m dying without you, Lola.
Here, please just– – No. No. – –just this, OK? Yes. Just so you can think about it, about us. Let’s face it, Marco. Things were fading. If marrying to get my trust fund wasn’t an issue, we would have put things on hold.
Sure, things were unstable, but no longer. Honey, I am committed to you. I’m sorry, Marco. You blew it. But I love you. I love someone else. I’m not giving up. Um. Oh my god. Good work. Yeah. Yeah, I was just, uh, doing the job.
It was good. I think this bread is toast. Oh! Ooh! How’s work? Ran into a little occupational hazard. We kissed. Macked, actually. Uh-oh. Oh, a serious uh-oh. I was going to buy Nikki a ring with my first paycheck.
But now– Whoa. What are you saying? Dude. Dude. Do not mess around at the office. We cannot afford to lose this gig. You collect your salary, you give me my 10%, and you get on with it. You want any? Um, my views on politics are very centrist.
No, you cannot wonder about these things. You have to know it instantly. BO: I don’t even know what centrist views are. LOLA: In the middle! BO: Of what? Ugh! OK, let’s just stick with the simple things, OK? What’s your favorite beer? Easy, Budweiser.
Oh. Dos Equis, senor. Just– just be Normando, OK? Please. Whoa. [classical music] Hi, Daddy. Meet my love, Normando. Senor Dia, it’s an honor. Normando, it’s a pleasure. Isn’t this place divine, Normando? Oh, most def– initely.
The architecture is, like, wow. I’m impressed, and I don’t impress easily, no. Mm-mm. What area of architecture do you specialize in, Normando? All of it, actually. Every damn style. Yes. But lately, I’ve been driven to, um, landscape.
Your hedges are fantastic. I have them pruned exactly the same way. It takes a fine weed cutter to get that perfect shape. [laughs] Oh, dios mio. You, you sly devil. All the best, huh? Bermuda grass. Drought resistant, grows on most soils, makes a good turf, if it’s mowed correctly, of course.
I can’t stress the mowing part enough. How come you know so much about grass? Oh, and a horticultural buff at that. Daddy, isn’t he a dream? What do I have to do, shoot someone to get noticed? Oh, yeah.
That’s, uh, Simona. Hello, darling. Charmed. I’m Lola’s older sister, although I look younger. Everyone says so. Ha. They do. Ask around. Ahem. Oh, yeah, this is my husband, Javier. Come, let’s join our guests.
Senor Dia, I’d like you to meet my older brother, Geraldo. But he’s white. – Si. – Yes. Very white. I’m white. He was an orphan, and we took him in as a baby and raised him as if he had Latin blood. My Lord Dia, your castle is enchanting beyond reasonable doubt.
Let us embrace at long last. You feel so strong. Where are your parents? Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Oh. Mama. Mama. Daddy, daddy, it’s such a tragedy. Their parents died when their cruise ship went down six years ago.
BREAD: Mama. It’s still a really sore spot. Oh, that’s terrible. Well, who wants a drink? We do. Yes. [nervous chuckling] Woo. Woo. [screams] Oh my god! I have to say, this is all a little hard for me to swallow.
I know, daddy. And since you’ve never been very good on your own, I’m afraid I’m going to have to insist that you allow me to judge this matter thoroughly. I will keep an open mind in assessing if this Normando is right for this family.
You should, daddy. Normando’s a really great– But you need to realize I know what’s best for my daughter. You better get it together, or we’ll all be looking for work on the corner. Oh, when I heard what happened, I seriously considered having you hit by a truck.
But instead, I’m going to be your life preserver. Because no matter what happens, I will not accept this lunatic, Normando, to be my new son-in-law. But you, you need to win some of the heart back so that she doesn’t hate me.
You can count on me, sir. TONY ROBBINS (ON RADIO): Hi, I’m Tony Robbins, and I want to welcome you here to Personal Power of 30 days to a totally– Today, you’re beginning something that can truly change the quality of your life forever.
Hey, lady. Are you OK? Yeah, but you ain’t. [honking] Hey, that’s my truck! That’s my truck! [rock music] Woo! So, Normando, University of Barcelona is very impressive. What did you study? Architecture.
I thought that was at Princeton. It was. Architecture is something you can never stop studying. Because they’re always building new stuff. Normando, what do you say we take a little walk, huh? In private.
Hombre to hombre, eh? Actually, Normando can’t walk very far. He’s got polio– polo– polo injuries. [mumbling] How long? Look, I got to, all right? I’ll fix it. Trust me. What’s the rush? Let them get to know each other.
So I don’t remember him from your Princeton days. Oh, you have selective memories, Simona. Well, I’m just saying this to be honest. I don’t like him. I don’t care. I mean, he just doesn’t seem comfortable in his own skin.
God, when you compare him to Marco– It’s not even a contest. I don’t want you here. God. Look. I’m not trying to be difficult. But I deserve a second chance, and I’m going to get it. Right. Ah, this is where I keep the wealth of my collections when they’re not on display in a museum.
It’s quite some stash you have here, sir. Ah. An 1885 single action Colt 38 Special. That’s a– that’s a beaut, sir. It’s not only a beaut. It still works. I wonder if I left this one loaded. Now, I won’t pick it up again.
But you have to do your part. [laughs] What’s my part? Tell the truth. The truth. Architecture, not my thing. But I have been to Barcelona once. Keep talking. I went there to study music. That is my passion.
Instruments I understand. It is what I want to do with my life. Now Lola was concerned that maybe you wouldn’t go for it. Well, I was right. And maybe I could talk to you about that. I bet I can turn you around.
Lola needs a strong man. Musicians, pfft, are weak. Just let me play something for you. Will you do me that? That was here when I bought the house. I’ve been meaning to burn it. Burn it? Why would you burn an antique? Oh, this is a 1934 Martin Dreadnought D-18 14-fret neck.
[strums string] Steel string. A little cosmetic damage, but we can fix her up, bring her right back. Yeah, but is she worth anything? 70 or 80 grand. What? Oh, you just turned water into wine. Well, some people do call me Jesus.
[laughs] Ah, Normando, you’re still in the game! How you win is up to you. [music playing] Well, what do we do now? We’re late on the bisque. Start prepping! But they’re alive! Hey. Where– w– w– where were you? What happened? I had to deviate from the plan.
Are you crazy? You have to follow the contract. I must direct all interactions with– Try the Chardonnay. It has a nice oak to it. Okey dokey. [laughs] This guy. Tell Lola the joke about Jesus. What just happened? Exactly.
You had your chance. Now I’m doing the thinking. Do you realize what happens if you mess this up? Yeah. I go back to mowing lawns. I got a lot at stake here, too, Lola. Just follow my lead, and you stick to your job.
My job? Yeah. Being hopelessly in love with me. [MUSIC – VOLOVAN, “NO QUIERES VENIR”] It hardly seems like you’re acting. We’re really slipping into it, aren’t we? More like slipping out of it, if you know what I mean.
Oh, please. [laughs] I’m not saying anything. Just noticed how your hand brushed against his butt. Mm. That was an accident. OK. Toast to a good investment. And a great return. Is that like glow stick all over your face? You’re like glowing.
Just reporting for duty, big bro. Whew. Who knew work could be so much fun? It ain’t just fun. Normando gets a lot of respect and admiration, something I can get used to. Hey. Interesting choice of foreplay.
Go! Go! You can do it. The ocean’s that way. Go! Go! Go! Follow me! Hurry! Grab them before they sunburn! OK. It’s OK! It’s OK! It’s OK! Everybody loves him. What should I do? OK, you’ve got to impress the crowd somehow.
Get them to notice you. How? I’m sure there’s something you’re good at. [whimsical music] Excuse me, everyone. In honor of this gorgeous day and this gorgeous woman, there’s something I’d like to share with you all, something very deep, deep in my soul.
[music – menudo, “hold me”] (SINGING) Every time I see you, you look so good. You’ve got that magic, whoa oh oh, like a girl should. I will never turn my back on you now. It doesn’t matter, baby, what you do.
Oh, girl. Oh, girl. I’ll never let you down. I’ll always be around, just as long as you hold me and you tell me all the sweet things that I need to hear. I just want you to hold me, let me show you how love can make your dreams come true.
Let me hold you, and I’ll give you all that you’ll ever need. Please just believe me. [applause] Thank you. Thank you. I used to be in Menudo. Hey. Why don’t you give someone else a chance? This next one I call, “Lovely Lola.
” [playing guitar] [applause] Bravo! If he plays that thing again, it is over for you. Who knew I had a fortune in that guitar? It sure sounds that way. I think I’m going to open one of my favorite champagnes to celebrate finding $80,000 in the storage room.
[chuckling] Why didn’t you tell me you’re a musician? I’ve been trying to do music for a living my whole life. I usually get stage fright. I do. Heck, I guess Normando doesn’t feel it. Why are you mowing lawns then? Well, I used to work in a music store.
Been working there ever since high school. I guess, running the shop got ahead of being a musician. Before I knew it, I’m coming up on 30. The owner passes away. The building forecloses. And sure enough, good old Bo’s out of work.
Cutting grass is the only gig I can get. That is until you came to town. Well, I’m glad I did because Normando is really talented. Ugh! You! Don’t worry, sir. We didn’t use guitars in Menudo. Sir? Given that your trust fund hangs in the balance, these circumstances are quite difficult.
Wouldn’t you agree? I– But what’s fortunate is that Normando is quite a catch. Really? Of course. You can’t make a living being a musician. So we’ll give him a job in operations. Congratulations on your new husband.
Thank you so much. Woo! He signed! Normando, you’re my husband! Oh! Oh, oh! – Woo! Woo! That’s enough. Oh, sorry. Yahoo! [pounding] You ass! He ratified for Normando. Not only is it over between us, but you don’t get $0.
01 of the payoff. Oy! You and your chocolate body paint. Hey, just– just calm down. I can fix it. How? If she doesn’t want to marry you, then you can’t leave her at the altar. And if you can’t leave her at the altar, the deadline can’t pass.
And if the deadline can’t pass, I don’t get the 25 million that she doesn’t deserve! Hey. We still have till sundown tomorrow. Look, I know how to pull Lola’s strings. I’ll have her remembering why we fell in love in the first place.
Trust me. It’s not over till it’s over. MAN: [spanish] Care to cut a rug? I’d rather not. And what, spoil the illusion? No, we’re ahead of the game. You can never be too ahead. Come on. Come on. OK. This song sucks.
It’s what my dad likes. Yeah, well, his new son-in-law is going to change the channel. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. [MUSIC – LOS NINOS DE SARA, “LA CUBANITA”] No, no, no. You should really play what my dad likes.
Come on now. Are you afraid to turn up the heat? No, you don’t understand. Hey, hey. Oh! Hey. It ain’t a party until somebody sweats, right? This is going to ruin the floors. We were enjoying that. Shh.
Just forget it. All right. I was starting to have fun. You want to have some fun? What do you have in mind? Oh, a little something. Come here. Don’t leave me here! I gotta follow them! Oh, going off campus.
This feels naughty. We’ll just sneak away for an hour. Besides, if you’re going to be my husband, there’s a few things you need to know about me. Ooh. And that feels even naughtier. Come on, where are we headed? You’ll see.
Follow that yuppie car! [MUSIC – N’KLABE, “I LOVE SALSA”] Want to roll, senorita? How’d you get so good at this? It’s easy when you love something. Growing up, I did a lot of competitions. Get out of here! Stop it.
He’s in shock. Uh, do you blame me? I thought you were a regular stiff. No, this was my life. You know, but my father had other things in mind. So I secretly applied to Juilliard. And I even snuck to New York to audition.
I figured if I got in, there was no way he was going to say no. I have a feeling I know where this is going. So I pulled up to the building and got out of the cab. And standing right there was my father.
He found out and he got there first. And he told me right on those steps that I was going to study business so I could take over the family empire, but I was cut off. Well, I’ll tell you what. I have a success.
And I bet you got in. We’re alone. We certainly are. Uh, we don’t have to pretend or act. I thought we stopped acting hours ago. [screams] Nikki. No, you bastard! Let go of me! Get out. Get out. Will you– don’t shove that guy.
He’s big. Will you calm down? Calm down? Calm down? You were just dry humping her on the dance floor. He may be your fianc , but he’s my man! Comprende? She did not mean that. Come here. Listen. Look.
I’m going to send her away. Let me do that, and you and I can talk, all right? What’s this? I have to deal with that. All right? So you just go ahead and go home, and I’ll find my way back. Go ahead. All right, Nik, look.
I’m sorry it got out of hand. And I let it. Yeah, you’re damn straight you let it. How could you do this? It’s just business. It don’t look like just business. I got to keep her interested. And, you know, I got to protect the situation.
That guy, Marco, he’s still all over her, all right? And her dad, he signed off on me. But it ain’t over till we got our rings on our fingers, you know that. And I– I just don’t want to lose that money.
That’s all. That the truth? The girl ain’t nothing but a paycheck. I’ve known you since high school. Yep. And you know what I know? What’s that? When you’re lying! I– Bo! Look, things ain’t been great between us for a long time.
You know that. I knew I was going to lose you when all this started! You ain’t losing me. OK, do you love me or not? You are such a bastard! Ah! I swear, you follow me, and you will eat this bottle! I’m the boss of this relationship.
OK. All right. All right. Hey. Don’t hey me. We got to get straightened out here. Hm? You’re making the wrong moves. OK, hold on. I speak, you listen. There is a job to do here, and that’s it. You’re falling a little too comfortably into your role.
Me? So were you. I was not. Lola, I looked into your eyes. Come here. That wasn’t no act. All right? And I think you should know– [knocking] Who is it? DAD: Open the door. Oh my god! Where do I go? Oh my god.
– Go, go. Come on in. [laughing] Enjoying your separate room? Yes, that’s, uh, how I roll. Yes. And now a nip before bed. Delicious. Normando, I would like to have a little chat, hombre to hombre. Now that you’re becoming part of the family, I want you to understand the importance of family nuances.
Nuances. Lola, she will always be the baby. And that is why I will never stop worrying about her. And that’s where you come in. I come in. I want you to keep her on a short leash. Leash? Lola’s flighty, whimsical.
She doesn’t focus. I mean, take Marco. Great sky, and well, you can’t blame the man who cheats. You have to blame the woman. And now I have you to keep her in line. I want to know everything that goes on in her life.
In that respect, you and I are partners, right? Wrong. Sir, you have one hell of a daughter. She’s smart. She’s pretty, a real fighter. You talk about focus. She’s got more focus than a Nikon. Hey. Don’t worry about her.
Just be proud of her. You’re out. Get your stuff, and get off my land. What did you do? I’m sorry, I thought– You thought wrong. I didn’t like him treating you that way. No, he always treats me that way! I’ll apologize, hands and knees.
Bo, you’re fired. Pull yourself together. You’re back in. And I want my 90,000 for breaking my guitar. You were going to marry him three days ago. So he cheated. Maybe you can reconnect with what you had.
I don’t know. Look, marry him, get the money. Then maybe, you know, you can work it out. You could work it out. No, no, no, you know my father. He won’t let me divorce. He won’t let me get out of here.
We’ll be in this house all the time. For once, let’s not pretend that this hasn’t been about money. [knocking] You miss those caffeine pills, don’t you? What do you want? Let me be your jolt. [giggling] [knocking] It’s just business.
[knocking] Sweetie, Marco here is going crazy without you. He came to me and he professed his deep, deep love. And I must say, I was moved. Please, just listen to him. Lola, it’s been real hard for me these last couple of days.
But you know what got me through it? Costa Rica. We had only been dating about a month. Do you remember that last night? Dancing, that little club on the beach. It was like 100 degrees. We didn’t stop until dawn.
That was one of the best nights of my life. We can get back there. I promise you, I will not let you down again. When they get up to the altar, you’ll just run in and declare it’s a fake. Oh, it’s going to be like a bomb exploding.
Oh! Oh! And if you’re feeling it, you could even say you’re pregnant with his baby. You know, if you’re feeling it. We need to talk. Get lost. I found your replacement. I’m back in. Normando is out. Lola said yes.
And my sister will get nothing. Now I just gotta get rid of the trash in the other room. Um. Wow. What happened to you? Wow. Later. What’s up with Lola? It’s over. She’s– she’s back with Marco. Nikki, tell me.
It’s a setup. Marco’s having an affair with Simona. He’s been planning it all along to leave her at the altar. Simona has some plan to get Lola’s money. Well, I gotta warn her. Why do that? Lock them in the panic room.
So they can’t voice their opinions about certain people until the deadline passes. You’ve been doing that all night. They obviously cut the line. You want to get out of here or not? What’s the point? We got nothing to go back to.
You know, this whole thing made me realize that I ain’t been chasing my dreams all these years. I’ve been hiding from them. Watching you have this adventure with this girl, all these new people, I’ve seen you change.
Fact is, you’ve been needing somebody to push you to be your best. I guess I wasn’t the one. Long time coming, huh? [classical music] Can I have a moment alone please? Just remember the money. [music playing] You better be glad to see me.
Did the wedding start yet? I heard them playing that music if that’s what you mean. You going to be all right? Yeah, go. All right. Hey. What are you doing here? The whole thing’s a setup, Lola. What are you talking about? Simona, she’s the one who’s been cheating with Marco.
You’re lying. She’s going to sabotage the wedding. She’s got some scheme to take your trust money. Marco, he’s going to walk. No, I don’t believe you. DAD: Lola! Jorge, Ben. [spanish] If we tell your father what’s going on, maybe he’ll let you marry me.
We got time, Lola. You ain’t going to get a cent unless we do something. You gotta believe me. – Well, I don’t. – Hey. Hey. Hey. Open book marriage, remember? I’m telling you the truth. I swear. Get him off the property.
Lola, what are you doing? Getting you out of my life. It’s time. [classical music] [laughing] What are you doing? What is so funny? This. This is– this is all so funny, don’t you think? Lola, are you OK? Here, hold this.
Yes, I’m OK. I’m great, and actually, you can go now. I mean, that’s what you were going to do. Am I right, chico, huh? Oh, no. No, no, no. You’re not going to dance your way out of this one, hm? Oh. Is that my bitch of a sister? Aw, the devil still wears the Tummy Tucker.
I don’t always wear a Tummy Tucker. What happened to us, Simona? Hm? Do you remember when we were little? We used to share toys. But then we got money. Lola, please, come on. For a while, you know what we did? We still shared our toys.
Now the truth is, you stopped being my sister long ago. But today, you became my enemy. Lola, come on. No. No. Dad, Mom just wanted me to get married because she thought it would make me happy. But you made her put in the approval clause because you wanted to control me.
No wonder I was crazy enough to hire a husband. Yes. Yes, I admit it. I hired Normando. And like any good employee, Bo taught me how to run a better shop, to run a better me. So yes, I did all of this for the money.
But now I realize that it was money that tore this family apart long ago. So you know what? You can keep your money. I’m over it. Are you just going to let her go? I want your resignation on my desk Monday morning.
My resignation, why? Because board members lose their seat when they’re being investigated for embezzlement. [guitar music] Back shortly. Hey. You need a refill? – Yeah. How are you doing? OK. Yo. Thanks.
What’s your poison? Where to begin? How’d you find me? Bread. Yeah. Uh– Look, you don’t have to search for words. That’s my job. Is it? And one of the words that comes to mind is apology. You did more for me than I realized.
But I realize now. Really? I was trapped in something for a long time. And I may have given you a chance, but you set me free. Thank you. Yeah, you’re welcome. I gotta get back to work. Good seeing you.
OK. [MUSIC – LIZ PHAIR, “COUNT ON MY LOVE”] (SINGING) Don’t know where we’ll be tomorrow, but we’ll beg and borrow. Hey, you. You speak English? Saying yes get me the gig? Saying anything gets you the gig.
What did you have in mind? (SINGING) Is anywhere you are. You can count on my love, an umbrella when it’s raining, when you feel your hope is fading. You can count on my love. With me, you’ll feel protected.
And you’ll never be rejected when you need a friend to lean on. You know you’ll never need a reason to count on my love. Count on my love.